Last weekend, I went to a private age play party for the first time in years. The atmosphere was very different from the hosted, public parties that I’ve been attending or hosting and it made me realize a few things about my current relationship to age play–and that I don’t want to undo these positive changes, though I do want to keep developing them.
The party was lovely. It was a birthday party, and it was wildly different from the one age play birthday party I had been to in the past. For one thing, the birthday girl invited her real life friends, whether or not they were age players. At the other birthday party I went to, it was the opposite: age players were invited, whether or not they were real life friends. Also, the birthday girl at this party showed more maturity, not relying on her Daddy to initiate activities. I may be misinterpreting her or even projecting, but I feel like the people I know who age play older ages do so more to recapture their youth than to be dependent on another person.
First of all, it’s less sexual, more removed from diapers. Diapers have become, if possible, even more sexual for me. The feeling is now something I experience only in a sexual context. I used to wear often with my ex-husband and sometimes we would have sex, sometimes we would not. Now I only wear for porn or live sessions.
I would not have expected to enjoy a less sexual version of age play, but it has been fun, but I admit that it’s more like what I would call being young at heart than actual age play. I’ve also realized that most of my sexual age play fix comes from incest role play with my partners. We wouldn’t call it age play, but that is, indeed, what it is.
It’s also more, I suppose, therapeutic, though definitely not therapy. It helps me to be happy and enjoy life on a more fundamental, rudimentary level, but it doesn’t resolve any issues or give me closure.
That said, it isn’t escapism, but a different version of it. The best way I can think to describe it is in relation to gaming. Most of the people I game with do so as a form of escapism. They wish that the world was different, that they were different, and they game to try to temporarily forget or ignore their humdrum lives, or add a little excitement and entertainment. I more game to blow off steam. My life is so full of stuff that sometimes I just wish that I could destroy it, start shit, and wreak havoc. (Yes, this means that a lot of people don’t enjoy gaming with me. If the game is lagging too much, I will randomly kill someone. Just watch me.) I may not be choosing my words well, but the best way that I can describe it is to say that I’m age playing less as a form of escapism and more as a release. It has become a more accessible head space and the age play activities I engage in occur more often in my life.
For example, my time on UltimateSurrender.com has become an age play platform for me, especially when Ariel gave us all our team sweatshirts. I raced home to show Manny. It was almost like telling my dad that I had made varsity–something I never got to do in high school, as I went to four schools in three years. I can’t stress how much I love that sweatshirt, btw. I’ve worn it pretty much since I got it until this morning, when I finally, reluctantly put it in the washing machine.
My engagement ring, as it were, is also a sort of age play item. Manny, who was a student at the time, couldn’t afford a diamond ring, so he made one out of a pipe cleaner and a wooden, heart-shaped bead. After a few weeks, the pipe cleaner was hurting my finger something fierce, so I made a friendship bracelet instead and put the bead on there. I’ve actually really enjoyed it. It isn’t a tattoo, so it can ultimately be removed, but it is tied on. It’s the closest I’ve come to making a decision about my body purely for myself. I remember reading something Julie Simone posted on Instagram about how each tattoo and piercing she gets is a way of reclaiming her body from the porn industry. I’m not quite ready to take those steps, but I do enjoy fucking up shots with my friendship bracelet–and I hope that, on some level, you enjoy seeing it.
This new version of age play has also been more open. I used to be extremely ashamed of telling people that I was into it. People would always congratulate me on being so open, but I felt it was unwarranted. I was actually quite shy. Recently, though, with this style of age play, that has changed.
As I mentioned, I’m engaged. However, before we moved forward with our wedding plans, Manny decided to do something for me that was so sweet and romantic, I still can’t believe it. I’ve had a friend for a very long time. It’s always been a little one-sided, but that was okay, because she was older than I was and, while she’s quite outgoing, I’m pretty shy. However, over the years, she’s gotten to be more demonstrative, and helped me out a number of times when I really needed it. And I admire her greatly and always have. I tend to copy her a lot, too. We have a joke that anything she does, I copy three to six months later, and I do seem to be following in her footsteps.
I’ve always collected mother figures, starting when I was just a child. My own mother was sorely lacking. At best, she thought of me as a project. At worst, she thought of me as something foul to be eradicated from her life. So friends’ mothers, teachers, co-workers, etc. became my new moms. I never told them–I was too embarrassed–but often when I felt down I would silently remind myself that, while my own mom was a horrible person who could never mentor or probably even love me, I had many moms, women who were proud of me. One of the happiest moments I had as a teenager was when my boyfriend’s mother told me that I was too good for her son. And Jesus Christ is that pathetic. I mean, I was in competition with a lover for the affection of his MOM. (He was actually kind of a loser, so, yes, I was winning. But then again I was dating a loser. … I need to stop analyzing this. I’m getting dizzy.)
Anyway, Manny took this friend and her husband out to dinner to ask for their blessing of our marriage. They asked him a ton of questions, but he got it! It meant the world to me that she took it seriously. She even made a point of wearing a pearl necklace so as to more look the part. After, I wrote her a Facebook message telling her how grateful I was for her influence on my life, her guidance; I told her how much her approval meant to me. She wrote back, including:
“I love you and will always be here for you–especially when you need a mother figure.”
This is the closest I’ve come to having an age play mom and it feels so good. And the experience of getting married this time has been much better than before, when I involved my biological mother. Now I just have to not screw it up.
The experience of being with Manny is different, too. In the aftermath of our age play fiasco, I’ve had a number of clients and fans tell me not to be with him–and, hey, maybe you guys are right. I was pretty sure about Luke, too, and look what happened there. Yikes. However, Manny and I have a lot of nurturing discussions as an adult. Luke and I never really talked about my past and he was reticent about his own. With Manny, everything is on the table. Luke never believed that I could do anything–he actually told me not to bother publishing my book, that no one would buy it. (He was wrong, by the way. It’s done quite well.) Manny believes that I can do anything and tries to encourage me. He actually teaches me grappling moves and helps me practice, which is another way that UltimateSurrender.com (and AcademyWrestling.com!) have been part of my developing relationship to age play.
And there are other age play activities I enjoy as well, including Nerf gun battles (Manny and I have gotten really into them!), watching scary movies and kids’ movies that I wasn’t allowed to see as a child or that have special nostalgic value (“Ghostbusters” in the park!), letting Manny brush my hair, and going to lunch or dinner at Fenton’s.
No, I will never have the same relationship to age play that I did when I was dating a diaper fetishist, but I’m missing out on what I have now, something more real, something that is inclusive rather than exclusive. And I don’t want to loose that. I want to cherish it, and I do.